Why Does Healing Vaginismus Now Matter?
By Petek Tatli Müller
Mindfulness Coach, Yoga Instructor, Vaginismus Warrior/Healing Facilitator
The answer: If you don’t act now, overcoming vaginismus later will be more complicated and take more time.
Let me ask you a couple of questions:
Are you postponing going to a gynecologist to get your diagnosis for vaginismus?
Are you procrastinating around practicing dilation, and doing it with consistency is getting more difficult for you?
Are you getting less confident in overcoming vaginismus the more time passes?
Then this blog post is for you.
Here, we’ll uncover why it is essential to focus on overcoming our condition NOW and not tomorrow!
I’ll start off by telling you abit of my own vaginismus story.
I lived with vaginismus for over ten years! But it didn’t feel that long while I was living with it.
So I want to share a pivotal moment that will make it clearer to understand why it took so long for me to start taking action towards healing my condition.
I had two long-term relationships while living with vaginismus, and in between, I dated, or let’s say I attempted to date other men, but none of them went well.
There was one particular guy that I was very interested in. We hung out for a couple of nights, and eventually, he invited me to his place. At the time he was living way far away from the city centre, which is an important story detail. Everything was beautiful at the beginning. We got more and more intimate; everything was flowing gently and softly, but then it came to having penetration. For the record, I had never let any of my partners anywhere near my vagina. Whenever they attempted to squeeze between my tightened legs, I would sharply push them away screaming, “NO! I don’t want it!” I had no history of sexual abuse, but this was my common reaction to any penetration attempt. So, of course, while I was enjoying the magical chemistry between me and this man I was telling you about earlier, my usual reaction didn’t change magically. When he tried to take our passion to the next level I shouted, “NO, I can’t!” When he asked for a reason, I told him.
Even after a brief summary about vaginismus, he still wanted to give it a try.
We tried, but surely, there was NO WAY for me to allow his penis to get closer to my vagina.
Then he said, “Whatever! But you know Petek, sex is 70% of a relationship.”
(By the way, 70%? Really!?)
No more conversation! He turned his back and slept!
It was the longest night I’d ever had: I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t leave either.
In the morning, he didn’t even offer me breakfast or offer to drive me to the local transport back home.
After a long night of restless anxiety, it took three hours for me to get back home.
So he mistreated me; it’s obvious NOW.
But at the time, the thoughts in my mind were:
I deserved it.
Vaginismus is my punishment.
Nobody will love me.
I’m not worthy.
Thinking and feeling this way was devastating and a true burden.
I didn’t attempt to have penetration again until I finally got healed.
I ignored my condition entirely because I didn’t know how to deal with the accompanying emotions without letting them control my life.
That’s what happened: They took over and controlled my life, so I stopped trying to heal my condition.
It was hard to motivate myself to heal or even believe that I could overcome it.
That’s why it took me more than ten years to heal my condition.
I wouldn’t take any action to address it: I ignored, postponed, waited, and denied myself the chance to change it because I was in so much fear around feeling it.
Here’s the thing, though:
We can learn how to deal with our emotions
We can transform our relationship with our feelings into something healthier
We can overcome vaginismus on our own and finally feel complete
Let’s unpack into what happens when we postpone healing.
1. We lose the belief in ourselves that we can overcome vaginismus
We learn by doing, repeating and practicing. How many times do children fall when they’re first learning to walk? We learned repeatedly doing the actions which would help us reach our goals.
If what we repeat is the thought that “I can’t overcome vaginismus” over and over again, then naturally, it will become our truth
So, look at your day;
What are the thoughts that you repeat in your mind?
What is the tone of your inner speech? Is it angry or compassionate?
How many times do you tell yourself that you can’t or you won’t do something?
Investigate these bundles of thoughts with curiosity as best you can.
Try not to be harsh on yourself when you catch a mean thought. Rather journal it, and write about it as openly and objectively as possible.
You’ll notice that what you are repeatedly doing will become your new habit.
We CAN transform and evolve our thoughts into something that serves us in the moment and for the long run.
2. We lose motivation to do what we need to do to overcome vaginismus
Even when we see others’ healing stories, motivating ourselves to do what we are supposed to do can become more challenging.
Finding an understanding doctor when we’ve had negative experiences with doctors before
Recognizing that you need support and accountability
The more motivation we lose to dawdling around achieving what we need to do, the more struggles to keep up with the repetitive and limiting beliefs that we have become so used to such as:
I can’t overcome it!
I’ve tried everything for years; nothing will work for me!
Or I don’t even want to have sex; why should I even try anymore?
Losing motivation is one of the most common consequences of postponing our actions to overcome vaginismus.
3. Procrastinating causes low self-confidence
The more we procrastinate, the more we strengthen the belief that “I can’t.”
It’s an interesting connection that we often miss, despite how obvious it is.
Let me be clear:
When we repeatedly postpone proactive behaviour, the task itself does not vanish; it still holds a place in our minds as a task that we have not yet accomplished.
The burden of this gives us a sense of failure, a sense of “I didn’t do enough” and these feelings are very much connected to low self-confidence.
Moreover, think of a friend: giving promises but not keeping them.
How would you feel about that friend?
It doesn’t change when it comes to the opinions we have of ourselves: As we postpone or do not keep our promises, we inevitably lose trust in our words.
The more we repeatedly postpone action for whatever reasons, the less confident we become in being able to accomplish what needs to be done.
And your sense of confidence in healing vaginismus means a lot!
You’ve already started this healing journey so what better time than to finish it.
But how will we do that?
Join my free online workshop 6 Essential Tools to Consistently Overcome Vaginismus, and I’ll show you how.
“Starting strong is good. Finishing strong is EPIC!” Robin Sharma